"My marriage is over...I'm so ashamed" The Mirror

There's a woman called Andrea McLean
Who's getting divorced, apparently again
It's on The Mirror's front page
Which in this Leveson age,
Confirms over real news they'll print the mundane

"Ed Miliband urges David Cameron to block bonus for RBS chief Stephen Hester" The Telegraph

Milliband thinks it's a sin
That Hester should be quids in.
But it's up to Vince Cable
On Tuesday, if he's able
To silence the protesters' din

"Ikea shelves Indian retail market move" The FT

First Stockholm, now Moscow & Peking,
Ikea's constantly expanding.
But it won't accelerate
In a protectionist state
So India, at this time, it's avoiding.

"Ordinary families will be worse off till 2020, report claims" The Guardian

Realising middle class fears
And deriding Conservative cheers
The Resolution Foundation
Think a fifth of the nation
Will suffer for the next eight years

"NI settles 37 lawsuits for phone hacking" i

Happily married to Sadie was Jude
Though their bliss became a long-running feud
She couldn't trust him because
Journalists always knew where she was
But now it's News International that's figuratively screwed.

"Argentina outraged at Cameron's 'colonialism' remarks" BBC

It's the Falkands, not Malvinas, our law says.
And it's thirty years since we pulled out the forces.
From both sides insults are hissed
That each country's a colonialist
Whilst pretending disinterest in natural resources.

"Skiing world rocked by plastic underwear row" The Independent

Tina Maze is no city slicker.
At skiing downhill there’s few quicker.
But through her plastic undies,
She’s in trouble with judges
Who think she may have worn a banned knicker.